A Condensed History of JELL-O Instant Gelatin
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA –History’s first confirmed instance of JELL-O Gelatin snacks dates to back to July 12th, 1937, when Bill Cosby slid out of the womb clutching a platter of mysteriously green JELL-O jigglers. Pediatricians confirmed that Cosby’s umbilical cord had malfunctioned during gestation, and that he had resorted to preparation of the instant snack while in utero for survival.
“There’s always time for J-E-L-L-O!” commented Cosby, as he burst into song and dance, but tripped over a heaping pile of money cluttering the floor of his five story mansion constructed entirely out of JELL-O.
In his soon to be released book “The JELL-O Code,” Cosby exposes the untold history of the prophetic goop, dating it back to the ancient times of the dinosaurs. Traces of JELL-O found in the fossil records of Triceratops, Stegosaurus, and Tyrannosaurus Rex all show that it was likely they “swaps-ed” away the mammoth meat their mothers packed them at lunch time in exchange for succulent lime green JELL-O cups. Other evidence implicating Jesus himself suggests that it was neither wine nor bread that was shared at the last supper, but was in fact hearty helpings of JELL-O jigglers shaped into Easter Eggs given to his apostles. In newly found paintings that the apostle Luke made in the days after the resurrection, the Holy Grail appears not as a chalice, but as a plastic Jell-O mold, and in an Aramaic text bubble above Jesus’ head the translation reads as a dare for Matthew to snort an entire spoonful of JELL-O through his nose.
Currently, JELL-O is the official state snack of Utah, an affiliation that now lies in the balance of the Mormon reception to the book’s publishing. If the Mormons react in outrage, one possible result could be the dissolution of Utah’s February 4th-10th “JELL-O Week.” Cosby, an honorary citizen of Utah, may be exiled, or worse, hunted down and JELL-O detoxified by men in white shirts with black ties. Scientologists, who currently tout eating freeze dried astronaut ice cream sandwiches, are expected to be indifferent, and the Catholics, who are adherent to the taco, will likely undergo a wave of Virgin Mary materializations in the JELL-O medium.
In college culture, the use of Jell-O as a vessel for alcohol is prevalent. Cheap liquor is substituted for water in the recipe, and the resulting “JELL-O Shots” are allowed to form in 3 oz. Dixie cups. Or, a Ziploc bag filled generously with the BOOZE-O could function as a portable bladder supplying the inebriate with party-fuel on the fly. For this reason, all JELL-O on the persons of those under the age of 21 should be confiscated and eaten to test for alcohol content, thereby combating underage drinking, or at least that’s what I tell myself to avoid feeling the guilt when I bring kindergartners to tears because I can’t resist the urge to eat their JELL-O on sight.
In closing, I would like to write more, but unfortunately I have spilled multiple globs of green gelatin into the spaces of my keyboard which are slowly beginning to bind up. While I look to discover any means by which to rid my keys, hands, and clothing of the palatable gluey goo, I wish you all not Manna, but JELL-O , to fall from the heavens.
“Thiis article was never published. I think a 4th editor had stepped in with no love for my style. I remember I met my deadline and they chose to not publish without telling me. I promptly resigned and focused on graduating in Summer 07.
Thanks for perusing my stint as an opinion columnist!”
