Ground Beef
The following is a reenactment of events that are true, and believed to have taken place on Wednesday, Februaru 23rd, 2005. The setting is outside a rsidence in a quiet, geriatric neighborhood located on the south side of San Luis Obispo. Police responded to the scene of a biological threat. Names have been altered to proctect hte identities of the innocent.
Kristen X (steps into a white 1989 Honda Accord and closes the door, making an extremely unpleasant face): Do you have rotting fruit in here?
Daniel X (behind the wheel): No. I just burped.
I'd like to excuse my emmissions on account of the delightful item on Firestone's Bar and Grill menu known as the "Monster Burger," or to locals as the "Heart Cork." Why waste a complete bun and an entire set of toppings on just one hamburger patty when you can easily fit two, or more? Why excercise and eat healthy when you can experience the unspeakable pleasure of large quantities of ground beef and grow an attractive set of love handles at the same time. Words like "lean" and "fit" are trivial buzz words associated with the passing fads of "health" and "long lives," and should be ignored diligently.
Speaking of ignorance and things to ignore, I'd like to take a word on vegiterianism. This is not to criticize the ones who do it for healthy purposes (so long as they are responsible enough to do it properly, preferrably choosing not to starve themselves and use an occaisional pinto bean or sprig of alfalfa as a pretense for a diet), but the ones who do it with the animals in mind. The animals. The animals. Just because you don't eat them doesn't mean you don't use toothpaste, paint brushes, soap, shellac, silk, leather, glue, jelly, down, or any other number of products that are typically the byproduct of animal slaughter. An animal slaughter that feeds the masses and fuels the economy I might add, benefiting the everyman in a multitude of indirect ways. Yes, It's true that stock animals are grown in horrific, inhuman conditions, but the broader and more important truth is that human beings do whatever they need to to survive. Our remorseless and indiferrent cultivation of stock animals for our own satiations is no different than a parasitic relationship in nature, or a virus that survives of the demise of victim cells. It is neither good nor evil; it is a survival mechanism. And I'd bet my life that if given the choice between ethics and death by starvation, you'd be scarce to find many unwaivering vegetarians. If you want to change the world, be farmer and grow your own food, and if you deal in animals, kiss them goodnight and tuck them into bed before you eat them in the morning. Masquerading around as the meat-free Champions of the Animal Kingdom is silly. Why is there even any difference from "harvest-slaughter" we deliver to the millions of plants we grow in the first place? Or to be genetically altering them, mutating them to suit our own needs? Where does one draw the line? Why is it a tragedy when a puppy dies of natural causes, but a celebration when a rat, eliminated, is found with its head clenched in the maws of a deadly man-made trap? the issue is muddled and there is no point to wading around in it, trying to find the moral high ground... Just do as the dinosaurs do: Eat or be eaten. Though it may be to some politically incorrect, a double-hamburger with cheese is spiritually unblemishing.
