Jelly Bellies
I purchased approximately 1575 delicious jelly belly jelly-beans after my roadtrip to Costco this weekend. Despite the 30 minute trek to the neighboring city of Paso Robles for the shopping opportunity, the beans were 1 of only 4 items that I bought, others being mechanical pencils, chewing gum, and a big brick of cheese. This only proves that I am a terrible shopper, much like the men featured in Carl's Juniour ads who experience paralysis in the aisles of grocery stores, but that is beside the point. As far as associating myself with Carl's Juniours commercials goes though, I would much much rather have some connection to the woman riding the mechanical bull. Please god, let me find myself trapped in a broken elevator with her before I die.
The container they came in is larger than my head, and weighs close to 4 pounds. I have Berry Blue, Blueberry, Bubble Gum, Buttered Popcorn, Cafe Latte, Cantaloupe, Cappuiccino, Caramel Apple, Caramel Corn, Chocolate Pudding, Cinnamon, Coconut, Cotton Candy, Cream Soda, Crushed Pineapple, Dr. Pepper, French Vanilla, Grape Jelly, Green Apple, Island Punch, Juicy Pear, Kiwi, Lemon, Lemon Drop, Lemon Lime, Licorice, Mango, Margarita, Orange Juice, Orange Sherbert, Peach, Peanut Butter, Pina Colada, Pink Grapefruit, Plum, Raspberry, Red Apple, Root Beer, Sizzling Cinnamon, Strawberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Daquiri, Strawberry Jam, Tangerine, Toasted Marshmallow, Top Bananna, Tuti-Frutti, Very Cherry, Watermelon, and Wild Blackberry flavors.
I'm pretty sure that my purchase will have negative effects on my health, possibly causing my kidneys fail or bringing my blood sugar levels to thresholds high enough to produce sweat that tastes like kool-aid, and to expand blood vessels in my face to the point of resembling Arnold in that one scene from "Total Recall." My mood, however, is soaring, as I continue to nibble from my endless jar of plenty. For even more fun, I get to try my hand at picking out the right number of "ingredient" beans to produce exactly the flavor I want. Two "lemons" and two "coconuts" yields lemon marangue pie, while several "Alcohol" beans and one "Porcelain Toliet" bean taste like so many of my less memorable drinking memories. One "juicy pear" and one "raspberry" produces poached pear in raspberry sauce, while one "Strawberry Jam" bean, one "Tortilla" bean, and five "United States Currency" beans tastes just like the time I prepared and ate five one-dollar bills to settle a gambling dispute. The possibilities are endless.
On a related note, Jelly Belly announced its plans last week to come out with 5 new celebrity themed flavors: a George Bush bean that tastes like a Silver-Spoon, a Philadelphia Eagles bean that tastes like defeat, a Martha Stewart bean that tastes like prison food, a Bill Gates bean that assumes total control of your body and invests in Microsoft, and finally a Michael Jackson bean that tastes like 10-year old Corey Feldman.
Seriously though, jelly bellies are like the nectar of the gods.
